50 Things I’ve Learned in 50 Years

Practical Ways to Cultivate a Quiet Life in a Loud and Restless World

Please pardon the generic title.

Turning half-a-century old has meant I’ve been reflecting on all that has passed: the good, the bad, and everything in between. I’ve made a lot of mistakes — so many, in fact, I shake my head in wonder that anything good has come of my life at all. But I’ve made a few good decisions, too, which I consider a gift of sheer grace in my life.

I’ve enjoyed reading your comments on the first two articles here at Substack, and I wanted to take a moment and explore some down-to-earth practices that are very doable.

So, with five decades of life behind me, I’d like to share with you 50 things I’ve learned in 50 years — locationally, physically, materially, digitally, intellectually, financially, vocationally, mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

Obviously, these “categories” are not separate individual compartments. They continually overlap and interconnect, influencing one another greatly. Some of what follows might seem basic, but I sincerely wish I would have made all of these things a higher priority at a much younger age.

LOCATIONALLY – because place matters

1. The place you’re from cannot dictate the place you’re going. Where we’re from will always be a part of us and our story. We can never outrun or replace our birthplace, but neither do we have to let it define us. We can learn to appreciate how it has shaped us, and let it add color to our backgrounds as we learn to give our stories and ourselves to others. Besides, look at Jesus. He came from a dusty little town called Nazareth and proceeded to change the world, and he continues to change lives still today.

2. Settle down someplace and make it your own. The more we are tethered to a certain place (and a certain people), the more our souls will feel settled. Resist the urge to bounce around from place to place. Sure, there will be times when a big move is necessary. I recently moved across the country after living in the same house for almost two decades. But then focus on settling in.

3. Make your home a sanctuary from the world. Make it a refuge from everything outside your walls. Make it a safe haven, a place of respite and sweet solace. Home should always be the safest place in a person’s life.

4. Know your actual neighbors and serve them well. Over the years, we’ve had some fantastic neighbors (and a few cranky ones too.) There’s just something about knowing their names and their stories that makes your own home part of a bigger constellation of souls around you, and that is a beautiful thing.

PHYSICALLY – because our bodies are a God-given gift

5. Go for long walks outside as much as the weather will allow. Moving our bodies daily is so important to maintaining our health as we age. Besides, long walks are just as good for the soul as they are for the body. Also? Stretch every day. After a few decades, your body will thank you.

6. Eat more greens and lean proteins. I grew up on Pop Tarts, Cap’n Crunch, and SpagettiOs. For dinner we usually had something like boxed Hamburger Helper and canned green beans that were boiled to mush. We can’t help how we were raised, but we can learn to eat healthy fresh foods as adults. This hasn’t been easy for me. I’ll never be the queen of tofu, but fresh whole foods do get better with time.

7. Drink water every day. Just water. Avoid needing stimulants (like caffeine) to get through the day. I’ve never been a coffee drinker, but I spent my thirties addicted to caffeine. I drank a Mt. Dew every day with my lunch, and it’s one of the worst habits I ever started. I am so thankful to be done with the Dew! Sometimes I’ll still have tea in the mornings, but never past noon.

8. Prioritize sleep. To help facilitate this, go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning. I know there are seasons, like having newborns, when this isn’t always possible, but it’s still a healthy goal to aim for. And if insomnia plagues you, I truly empathize. You probably know “all the things” and I get it. We can’t always force our bodies into sleep, but we can create a rhythm that helps to cultivate it.

9. In a world obsessed with before-and-afters, focus on the process in between. There’s no getting around the fact that our society is obsessed with image. In so many ways, this leads to an unhealthy relationship with our own bodies. But when we focus on the process — of moving daily and eating wisely and resting well — we honor our bodies without exploiting them.

MATERIALLY – because we live in a finite world

10. Learn to live with less. Our culture inundates us with advertisements to persuade us to consume more products, and “influencers” get paid to promote commercial goods to us. (Also, why is the word good used as goods? Hmmm.) The world wants us to buy and consume and fill our lives with stuff. But more stuff does not mean more happiness. Get rid of clutter and embrace a life of simplicity. The freest among us are not tethered by things. This doesn’t mean we have to embrace abject minimalism, but we do want to avoid the vortex of consumerism.

11. Prefer intimacy over impressiveness by investing in people rather than things. Place a higher value on experiences (with people!) than on material things.

DIGITALLY – because our world increasingly revolves around technology

12. Create screen-free spaces in your home. This is such a huge part of making our homes a sanctuary for our loved ones. Imagine a living room where you can talk only with the people who are in the same room with you. No outside distractions or interruptions are possible if they don’t have access. This is especially true of our bedrooms. Bedrooms are for sleeping, changing clothes, and other things. And those are private things, and very beautiful things. No phones required.

13. Radically reduce, if not eliminate, the amount of time you spend online. I realize that it’s only through an online venue that you and I are even able to connect here in this space and share our words. This is a gift to be sure, but it is also important that we set limits for ourselves on how much time we spend online. As much as we can intentionally push back the tide of technology invading every moment of our lives, it is worth the effort. Technology has its place, but the healthiest among us can happily spend a day, a week, or even a month without it and do so regularly.

14. Remember that social media is not social, and “online communities” are not real communities. Never conflate connection with communion. They are not the same. The online world can connect us with others in some pretty amazing ways, but to commune with others we must be physically present. Connection is just the initial step in building a relationship with other humans. To go the distance and build genuine intimacy with others, we must log real time with real people in real places. It’s that simple. And it’s that hard.

15. To maintain your sanity, limit communication pathways. The plethora of ways people can reach us is ever-expanding: phone, text, email, vox, chat, DM, SLACK. The multitude of methods can quickly turn basic messages into bombarding madness. There is simply too much input in today’s world. We weren’t designed to download information like computers. Communicate to your family, friends, and coworkers how and when they can reach you. But refuse to allow everyone total access 24/7.

16. Seek out analogue activities. Develop a hobby, like quilting or woodworking or gardening. The more we’re invested in real world activities, the less we’ll be inclined to spend our time online.

INTELLECTUALLY — because your mind is a beautiful gift

17. Read. Read for fun. Novels and poetry. Read to learn. Articles and commentary. Read to know God. The Bible daily.

18. Never stop learning. Learn from books. Learn from people. Learn from experiences. Learn from the past. Always keep on learning as this leads to growing.

FINANCIALLY – because money matters

19. Create a budget and live within your means. In the long run, it’s worth it.

20. Go to the college you can afford. One of the worst mistakes I ever made was attending a private Christian university. It was a terrible mistake because the only way I could go was with student loans, which I then carried like pet boulders in my pockets every day for the next two-and-a-half decades. It was a horrible burden, and it negatively impacted the way I could live my adult life. I love Jesus, and Jesus loves me. But that does not mean a Christian university was necessarily a good choice. If you have parents who can afford to send you, then great. But if not, go to a public university. You’ll be so glad you did. I promise.

21. Give generously and anonymously. This is so much fun. Get creative in the ways you can be a blessing to others. But do it in such a way that no one ever knows it was you doing it (Matthew 6:3). The heart is happier when we give something away rather than sell it on eBay.

VOCATIONALLY — because we spend a good portion of our lives working

22. Choose to use your skill in places where people also care for your soul. To some degree, all work is transactional. If we work x hours, we will be paid y dollars. But when our work is solely transactional, it leaves our souls feeling dry and used. The healthier a workplace is, the more it will intentionally create a workplace-community where you feel known and appreciated.

23. Remember what success really is. It’s not the house, the degree, the vacation, or the 401(k). Success is being obedient to the quiet thing God has called you to do.

MENTALLY & EMOTIONALLY — because when we feel, we heal

24. Let your feelings be the “lights on the dashboard” that alert you to something happening “under the hood.” Feelings are indicators. They swell and then they pass. But they bring with them important insights if we will listen. For many of us, though, we’ve been told over and over to stuff our feelings and avoid them; we’ve been told that feelings are synonymous with weakness. But we cannot ever heal from past pain and trauma until we connect our bodies to our God-given emotions. If we remain utterly disconnected from our feelings, we cannot ever hope to connect deeply with others.

25. Remember that feelings do not always reflect reality. Feelings are not inherently bad. They are, as previously stated, indicators that something is going on, and it’s wise to pay attention. But also remember that, while our feelings may be real, they do not always reflect reality. For instance, I might one day feel like I am being taken advantage of by a friend or coworker. But that doesn’t automatically mean that I am being taken advantage of. It might. But it also might mean that I have overextended myself and taken on too much, and my feelings of being taken advantage of are really feelings of overwhelm. When I listen to this feeling, and name it for what it really is, I can then establish better boundaries where I don’t take on quite so much again. As a general principle, it’s best to examine our feelings under the light of God’s truth.

26. Embrace the quiet. Cultivating a quiet life is more about having a quiet heart. But enjoying actual quiet from all the noise around us is also a key factor in cultivating a quiet heart and mind. Health grows in quiet places. Admittedly, I am skeptical of anyone who constantly surrounds themselves with noise and busyness and distraction. Healthy people can peaceably live with themselves during long stretches of quiet without needing to fill the silence.

27. Create a space of grace — a place where you can savor the quiet. Having a designated spot where we can unwind, reflect, and gather our thoughts is paramount to preserving our mental and emotional health. This could be a room or even a comfy chair in a corner. I’ve written more about this, and you can download for free A Quiet Place: How to Create a Space of Grace.

28. Never underestimate the value of puttering. I love traveling and visiting new places, and I love going on adventures with my favorite people. But I’ve also noticed that my soul breathes better (and I can avoid amping up my stress level) when I intentionally designate one day each week to do nothing but “putter” around my house. It’s sort of like “nesting.” I may vacuum a little and do some laundry. Then, after tidying a space, I might spend my time reading and journaling. I might have an unplanned conversation with a family member. Basically, I don’t have a schedule to keep or a to-do list to follow. I let the day flow and I just putter around the house. I am always relaxed after a good day of puttering.

29. Drive slower, breathe slower, live slower. Life is just better when we’re not in a frenzied rush. I definitely haven’t always done this perfectly, but I do better when I move slower.

30. Let your character be forged in the hidden moments of your everyday life. A person’s character is not determined by moments of glory or achievement. Who we are when no one is watching is who we really are.

31. Soak in a hot bath as often as you can. I am convinced a long bath can cure most bad days.

32. Laugh. A lot. It really is good medicine for the soul (Proverbs 17:22).

RELATIONALLY – because people matter

33. See the family meal around the table as the best part of every day. A shared meal draws us together and binds us in ways we can’t always describe, but we can feel it in our bones.

34. Let the ministry of your presence speak louder than the ministry of your words. As much as I love working (and playing) with words, some things can only be communicated with our presence.

35. Show up early to everything. Church. Work. School. Lunch dates. All of it. I haven’t always done this as well as I would have liked, but it is something I want to be true of me and I work hard to make it happen. It communicates to others that they are a priority.

36. When you blow it, own it and change it. We all make mistakes. But when we mess up, the only way to repair a relationship is to take responsibility for our actions, apologize, and then move forward with changed behavior.

37. Whenever possible, resolve conflict face to face. If we’re experiencing conflict with someone, pray. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not “seek the counsel” of mutual friends. Do not offer a “prayer request” with mutual friends either. That’s just gossip. Prayerfully and humbly go directly to the person you have a conflict with so you can work it out together. This may not always be possible, but in most relational conflicts, it’s still the best first step .

38. Extend the same grace you have received to others. Forgive as God has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32).

39. Establish healthy boundaries. Forgiveness is not the same thing as continuing to allow others to harm you. We can forgive the wrong others have done without allowing them to continue harming us.

40. Write thank you cards, even for little things. This is so old-fashioned, which is exactly why it makes a difference. It’s easy to send an email, but it takes time and a little effort to send a card. Besides, saying thank you is a life-long habit that will always yield joy.

41. Make hugs a habit. I didn’t grow up in a huggie family. For me, hugs felt stilted and awkward. But happy hugs are an important part of healthy relationships, especially with our kids. Now, I’m not suggesting you start hugging your boss or coworkers. Ha! But do consider your comfort level when allowing close family members and good friends into your bubble for a good old-fashioned hug. For me, I’ve had to be intentional to hug my loved ones. The ministry of innocent touch creates a powerful bond between souls: between husband and wife, between parents and children, between hospice and nursing, and so much more.

42. Know whether you’re an external processor or an internal processor. Some of us need to think out loud with folks, so we can bounce our ideas off of each other. Others of us need quiet time alone to sort through our thoughts before we’re ready to discuss them. Knowing this about ourselves equips us to better understand what we need before we engage relationally.

43. When faced with a necessary ending, love well by leaving well. How we say good-bye says a lot about who we are. Let’s face it: sometimes we have to leave a job or a church or maybe even a friendship. When we find it necessary to leave something or someone, do it with honesty and grace. It’s never good to leave by throwing grenades over our shoulders on our way out the door.

SPIRITUALLY — because you have a spirit that you can either starve or nurture

44. Don’t let past mistakes bury you in shame. No matter how badly you have messed up, you are not forever doomed to be a mess-up. There is grace for you. Grace. Forgiveness. New life. And a chance for wholeness. It’s all yours for the taking. It’s a gift, paid for by Christ’s sacrifice (1 John 1:9).

45. Never forget that there is an actual cosmic force in the universe that is trying to crush you. Gosh, that sounds dramatic, not to mention negative and apocalyptic. But this unseen reality is happening all around us all the time (2 Corinthians 4:18). This doesn’t mean we live in fear. Not at all. But we do want to remember Paul’s wise words when he said that our “struggle is not against flesh and blood . . . but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12). So, we want to be intentional with our spiritual lives.

46. Immerse yourself in the deeper waters of God’s truth by reading the Bible every day. The world will come at us with messages that sound so good they sound almost true. And we will inevitably succumb to these worldly messages unless we are diligently realigning our wandering hearts with Truth. There is so much to say about this, which is why I wrote a book called Deeper Waters. The one thing that is more important than every other thing is knowing God through his Word.

47. Write the Word. Yes, write it down. By hand. With pen on paper. Start with a verse. Then move on to a larger passage. When you’re ready, begin writing out whole psalms. Because when we write it, we remember it. And when we hide it in our hearts, we are better equipped, by the Spirit with the sword of the Spirit, to live in such a way that brings God glory. Before you know it, you’ll be writing out whole books of the Bible. It’s actually one of the most calming things to do.

48. Keep a prayer journal. This is a surefire way to remember all the ways God has shown himself faithful. Write about the ways God has come through for you. Write about the ways God has revealed himself to you. Write about the hopes and dreams you have. Write your prayers and petitions in ink, letting them soak the page with heartfelt prayer.

49. Commit to a local church. Get to know the people there and let them get to know you. Serve. Give. Share. The church is a broken vessel, for sure, but that is precisely the point. God uses broken people — like you and me — and he redeems our brokenness for his glory. And he places us within his forever family.

50. Sing. In the shower. In the car. With kids. At church. Wherever. Whatever you do, never stop singing. Sing the pop songs you remember from your teenage years. Sing the silly songs you remember from your childhood. But most all, sing praise to God. It changes your heart. It really does.

Okay, if you’ve made it this far, you deserve a medal or something. #28 is probably my favorite. Which one is yours? What would you add to this list?

Shalom.

Denise

P.S. I will begin to post mostly on Mondays. Right now I’m working on some articles about “The (Understandable) Reason We Have Enjoyed Certain Online Circles” and “Embracing the One Good Kind of Conformity.” Not sure if those will be the actual titles or not, but that’s where my brain is at the moment. I’m also penning some thoughts about Timothy Keller and the impact he made on me personally. Have you read some good articles lately? Send me the the links! I’d love to read what is inspiring you.